I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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