i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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