I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
