How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
