Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
