I'm gonna have a badass scar
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize