Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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