Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
