I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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