Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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