Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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