So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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