The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
