Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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