how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
