Only a mothe r could love this liver
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We got so high we made milksteak
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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