I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
