My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
