Got a toothbrush?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
