She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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