The maid of honor just puked.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
