I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
