when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
