i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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