yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
