Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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