you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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