I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
