I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he fucked my hip out of place.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
