Only a mothe r could love this liver
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
