finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
