did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
