The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
