Say something about gay babies.
this beer tastes like vomit already
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
