never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
