i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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