He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
