help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
