i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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