Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
