He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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