the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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