I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
