no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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