I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
