the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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