i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How external is "for external use only"?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
