Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
