there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
