I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
