The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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