we have pet lesbian snakes
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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