Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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