Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
