did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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