Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
