just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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