Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
