my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
