I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
As shirtless as possible
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
