her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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