i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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