yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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