i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
BRING THE BAGELS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
