So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
