wanna go halves on a baby?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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