why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
