Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
