chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
